Breaking: Don’t Protest, Just Call a Press Conference

In breaking news from a couple days ago, Clemson head football coach, Dabo Swinney, has solved the problem of how to protest things like racial injustice and police violence in America. Don’t disrupt football games by doing all this divisive kneeling during the national anthem, and don’t be a distraction to your team because you know that two wrongs don’t make a right, don’t you? Well, lucky for everyone, Dabo has a solution. So go ahead, Dabo, tell us what to do.

Dabo Swinney Solves Everything

“I think there’s a better way. How about call a press conference? Express your feelings. Everybody will show up, talk about it. Go and be a part of things, and protest them. That’s great.”

Problem solved. We can all go home. In the short span of a press conference, Colin Kaepernick could have solved racial injustice, police killing of unarmed, minority civilians, and brought peace and harmony to the universe. Instead, he had to go and be all divisive by protesting in the wrong way, which is a very white thing to say and something The Root captured perfectly.

So then, let us imagine what might have happened if rather then sit or kneel during the national anthem, Kaepernick chose to have a press conference.

Reporter 1 (WSJ): What are you trying to accomplish with this press conference, Colin? What’s the goal?

CK: Well, I don’t want to be disruptive and hurt people’s tender feelings.

Reporter 1 (WSJ): Right. Yes.

CK: I mean, ultimately I want to bring awareness and make people realize what’s really going on in this country. There are a lot of things that are going on that are unjust, people aren’t being held accountable for, and that’s something that needs to change. That’s something that…this country stands for freedom, liberty, justice for all. And it’s not happening for all right now.

Reporter 1 (WSJ): Wow. I had no idea. I thought racism was dead. How did you become aware of this?

CK: This is something that I’ve seen, I’ve felt. Wasn’t quite sure how to deal with originally. And it is something that’s evolved. It’s something that as I’ve gained more knowledge about what’s gone on in this country in the past, what’s going on currently, these aren’t new situations. This isn’t new ground. These are things that have gone on in this country for years and years and have never been addressed. And they need to be.

Reporter 1 (WSJ): Yes, yes! I agree 100% (Looks around room at the other reporters) I think we all do. There’s a lot of injustice in this country. What would you like to see changed?

CK: There’s a lot of things that need to change. One specifically is police brutality, there’s people being murdered unjustly and not being held accountable. The cops are getting paid leave for killing people. That’s not right. That’s not right by anyone’s standards.

Reporter 1 (WSJ): OK, done.

CK: Uh, what?

Reporter 1 (WSJ): I mean done. Finished. Fini.

CK: You can’t just declare it done like it doesn’t exist.

Reporter 1 (WSJ): What else?

Reporter 2 (Fox News): How about college admissions being more fair. My daughter didn’t get into the college of her choice, but some minority students with the same or slightly better qualifications did. I mean she had her heart set on that school.

Reporter 3 (Breitbart News): Yeah, what the hell? All Students Matter!

Reporter 2 (Fox News): Yeah! All Students Matter!

Reporter 1 (WSJ): Awesome. What else? Anyone?

Reporter 4 (American Spectator): I got one over here. What’s up with ATMs? I tried to get some money the other day and the ATM was stuck in Spanish so I couldn’t get anything. This is America. What the Hell? What happened to English? Why is Spanish even an option?

Reporter 3 (Breitbart News): Yeah, what the hell? Only English Matters!

CK: You know that when you go to other countries they have lots of stuff in English as well as their own language.

All Reporters: Only English Matters! Only English Matters! Only English Matters!

CK: Uh, I think we’re getting off topic here…

Reporter 1 (WSJ): Anyone else?

Reporter 5 (also Fox News): Look, I think we can all agree that reporters don’t make a ton of money, but I do OK. I make ends meet. I was at the grocery store the other day and the woman in front of me was paying with food stamps and she didn’t have enough, and you know what? The clerk let her have some stuff for free. I felt like the victim. I’m working hard and paying my bills and my own way and this woman isn’t paying for shit.

Reporter 3 (Breitbart News): Fuck yeah! All Victims Matter!

All Reporters: All Victims Matter! All Victims Matter! All Victims Matter!

CK: Sir, I don’t think you’re a victim, and you don’t know anything about that woman’s life or what her circumstances are.

Reporter 3 (Breitbart News): Minorities are getting free shit all the time though. We have to stop with the handouts.

CK: You do know that most of the people using food stamps are white, right? Sir, was that woman white?

Reporter 5 (Fox News): Yeah.

Reporter 3 (Breitbart News): So what.

CK: Don’t you guys think you’re missing the true injustices?

Reporter 1 (WSJ): No, Colin. I don’t think so. Look, you’re rich and you play football for a living. What do you have to complain about? Still we can’t thank you enough for bringing all of these injustices to light. Wow. There’s just so much work to do. We’re on it, bro. We’re on it.

CK: You guys brought all that shit up, not me. I’m just trying to…

Reporter 1 (WSJ): And you’re humble about it too. That’s great. See what happens when you “protest” in the right way? Come on, guys. We got work to do.

The reporters start to leave the room chanting: All Lives Matter. All Lives Matter.

CK: Fuck this shit. I’m going to start kneeling during the national anthem to protest the injustice in this country.

The crowd of reporters stops. They turn back towards Kaepernick.

Reporter 3 (Breitbart News): What did you say?

CK: I’m going to start kneeling during the national anthem to protest the injustice in this room and in this country.

Reporter 3 (Breitbart News): Don’t you know that’s the wrong way to protest? I mean what the hell? What has all this been about?

CK: I don’t understand how it’s the wrong way. To me, this is a freedom that we’re allowed in this country. It’s a freedom that men and women that have fought for this country have given me this opportunity by the contributions they have made. I don’t see it as going about it the wrong way. This is something that has to be said, it has to be brought to the forefront of everyone’s attention, and when that’s done, I think people can realize what the situation is and then really affect change.

Reporter 1 (WSJ): Yeah, but what about his problem. And his. And his.

Reporter 1 points in turn to each of the reporters who had voiced their injustices.

Reporter 1 (WSJ): In the face of all that, in the face of the fact that All Lives Matter, not just black ones mind you, you’re going to…(clears throat)…kneel during the national anthem?

CK: Yes. I think I have to speak out because…

Kaepernick stops speaking. He looks out at the crowd. They’re looking at each other, up at him, back at each other. Their eyes are blazing. Kaepernick becomes fearful for his safety as he’s here alone. Reporter 3 steps towards him and Kaepernick can only think of the witch scene in Monty Python’s Holy Grail.

Reporter 3 (Breitbart News): (points at Kaepernick). His isn’t going to stand during the national anthem. He hates our flag and our country and our soldiers…Buuuuuuuuuurn him!

Kaepernick makes a dash for it. Reporter 3 lunges to try to prevent his escape so Kaepernick stiff arms him right in the face. Reporter 3 goes down clutching his face and screaming in pain. “Owww. Owww. Did you see that? Did you see how violent and crazed he is? Get him. Get him.” The mob descends on Kaepernick. He kicks. He fights. But there are too many of them. “Buuuuuuuuuurn him!”


Well, Dabo, it seems the end result is the same. Either way, there’s burning.